Oh hum...

Well it's official! I went back to the doctor's today and I'll be going in for surgery sometime in the near future. :( I've never had surgery before, so I'm totally paranoid. Especially since it's a pretty big surgery. I guess my biggest fear is that I'll end up dying on the operating table, as so many people are doing lately. I mean seriously...if I'm allergic to the anestesia, then it will be a little too late by the time they find out. :O And my second biggest fear is that I'll get a bad infection afterward. I'm a big enough baby as it is!

I have found out that the interent is a life saver and pretty muchly the only thing that is keeping me sane right now! I have been able to research the procedure, and talk to many new friends that have also had the same experiences as I have. It makes it so I don't feel so alone. It's times like this when I truly value my close family members and the friends I've made via the web.

The worst part is, that since this is the only thing I can think about lately, I guess it has started affecting my dreams too. I had a dream last night that Mark died in the dentist's chair. As funny as that may sound, it made me extremely sad to glimpse even a small feeling of what it would be like to lose him. I can't imagine how he feels, when I mention that I could very well be dying in the near future. And I won't touch how my mom and brother feel. The are constantly reminding me of how freaked out and scared they are. I only wish that I could share with them, the true fear I have, instead of having to play it off that everything will happen the way it should. Seriously, when you start realizing that you can very well be in the final days of your life, it makes you stop and think about everything that is important to you. I often wonder how my family and Mark would get by, if something does happen to me, although I pray that I come through this with flying colors. :)

Anyways, the doctor I went to today has doubts and doesn't even want to touch my surgery, so he's referring me to someone in Loma Linda. I guess that's a good thing because Loma Linda is known to be one of the best hospitals in Southern California, and if they can't save me, no one can. Better to take my chances there, then in my tiny little town. :)

I'm finding that I truly like being able to write my thoughts here. It's quite therapeudic. I hope that tomorrow's post will be more postive. On a brighter note, I did get to play hooky today from work. :)