I guess I'll start from the beginning. I have always liked boys! My mom remembers when I was four years old, I had a huge crush on a family friend named Brian. She said that I would follow him everywhere and wouldn't leave him alone. Truthfully, I remember Brian, but I don't remember my crush on him. As I got older, I was boy crazy. My first real crush was on a boy who lived by me, named Patrick. I was in love! And come to find out just recently, he actually liked me too all those years that we knew each other. I remember he had a friend ask me out once, but I thought they were just playing. Besides, I was never ready for a boyfriend.
I can't even begin to count how many boys/guys I liked over the years. My friend and I used to joke that I changed my crush as often as my underwear (daily, haha). When I was younger, I had a thing for those little nerdy guys (Martin Short, Paul Simon, Eugene Levy). Truthfully, I've always seemed to go through phazes because I've liked chunky guys (Steve Harwell, Uncle Kracker and Kevin Smith), macho guys (Vin Diesel and Arnold Vasloo), and guys of all nationalities (Chris Smith, Robin Shue). But my favorite has always been mexican guys. There's just something about them! Yes, I've liked white boys and guys (Paul Walker and Jonathon Rhys Meyers) but I've just always been attracted to hispanic guys.
Through all my crushes over the years, I never fell that hard for any of them. Until my Sophomore year of high school. I had seen this boy around for weeks, and never felt ANYTHING towards him. Then one day on the school bus, I was close to him and he was talking to this other girl. I looked up and when I looked in his eyes, I swear they saw straight into my soul. I had never experienced anything like it. I was hooked and madly in love! I asked a friend about him, and next thing I know, him and all of his friends know that I like him. It was horrible...I was shy and I wanted it to be a secret. I was told right off the bat that he'd never date me because his parents only spoke spanish. But that didn't seem to affect the way I felt about him. I fell and I fell hard. He lived down the street from me, so I'd make a special point to be outside when he'd drive by, so that I could wave to him. And he waved back. I never worked up the courage to talk to him though.
During my Jr year in high school, I still liked him. I just couldn't stop. Then one day, he began dating a girl I hated! I was on the school bus and my friend had just looked at me after she looked out the bus window. I saw her expression and she told me not to look. I did anyways, and he was kissing this girl. Not a very nice way to find out he was dating someone. I should have listened to my friend, she was my best friend, but when someone tells you not to look, it's a reaction to look. I went home and cried. He was the first and only boy I've ever cried over. In the weeks that followed, he flaunted her infront of me. He walked her by me on purpose (not knowing I hated her) and would look right at me to make sure that I saw them. That should have been a warning.
As luck would have it, my friend and I ended up seeing his girlfriend in Walmart and she was arm in arm with another boy. I wrote another friend telling her, and he ended up grabbing the letter away from her while she was reading it. Not a very nice way for him to find out that his girlfriend was cheating on him. They ended up breaking up shortly after that. Then I stood by while he dated two more girls. I was soooo stupid to have feelings for someone who would never date me! But he was everywhere and I couldn't even escape him while I was at home. He smiled at me or waved at me, and I was lost. Most of the poetry I wrote during those years was based on feelings I had for and because of him.
It's weird because I credit him for the reason I am still alive today and maybe that has something to do with how strongly I felt about him. I was having some really hard times at home, and after I fell for him, I got out of the house more, instead of sitting in my room contemplating suicide. The poetry also helped me to release everything that was bottled up inside. During my senior year, I ended up getting a class with him. It took me a couple of months to work up the courage, but finally I did. I walked right over to him, sat down and we talked. It was magical, I only wish I could have enjoyed it more, instead of trying to swollow my heart the whole time. I found out that he had just lost his job, so I told him that I'd see about getting him a job where I worked.
It took some begging, but I did get him that job with me. He worked evenings most of the time, and I worked afternoons, but we saw each other for a couple of hours inbetween. We began talking to each other more, and in class, we worked on projects as partners. If I was having a bad day and didn't say hi to him when he came in, he'd tap his pencil on his desk until I did. I thought my dreams would finally come true. Then he began ditching class more, and come to find out, he started dating someone else. I was furious! I realized that I needed to move on and I began looking elsewhere. Then one day at work, I missed my ride and since he lived right down the street from me, I asked if he could give me a ride home if he didn't think his girlfriend would mind. He said he didn't care if she would, and he gave me a ride. I still remember how ackward that ride was.
I was being so stupid. I had 6 guys that I know of, who were chasing after me and yet, I wouldn't give any of them a chance. I finally said enough was enough and went out on a date with Mark. It was only to make this guy jealous, but it turns out that I ended up liking Mark. This guy ended his relationship with his girlfriend, but I wasn't ready to end mine. One time when Mark was going to pick me up from work, this guy asked me if I wanted a ride home. I TURNED HIM DOWN!!! :(
School ends, and a month later the guy I liked stopped coming to work. So I quit my job and found another one. It's funny because my mom still worked where we had, and shortly after I quit, he came back to work. Had I known that, I don't know if I would have quit afterall. A couple of years go by, I'm still with Mark, and I still wave at him when I see him drive by. Then one day my mom comes home and told me that he was asking how I was and if I was still with Mark. Of course she told him yes.
Another week goes by and I find out that he lost his virginity to a friend of mine, who he met at the job I got him! Him and her weren't even dating, but as my friend told my mom...he was ready to lose his virginity, and he knew I was still with Mark. I WAS CRUSHED!!! I never talked to my so-called friend after that because she knew how I always felt about him. And to top it off, I was kind of appauled that he would chose someone I knew, that he wasn't even dating. Is there no other girls out there??? Berna was short, fat and bi-sexual. Not even the girly bi-sexual type, she was the butchy type.
I'm sad to say it, but had I known he was even a bit interested, I would have called it off with Mark, even though we had been together for almost 3 years. In fact, alot of our troubles those first years, was because I was in love with someone else. I think that up until the day that I took my vows, if he had asked me not to marry Mark, I wouldn't have. I love Mark with all of my heart, and I feel like I've hit the jackpot with him, but "I love him"...I've never been "in love with him". Over the years, I've talked to him maybe a whole 3 times, but I've been cursed with his parents still living down the street from me...so every now and then, I still see him drive by. Many years have passed, and he's married now with kids, but I still remember those years past so well. The second time that my MySpace account was hacked, I ended up getting this guy on my friend's list, who was convinced he knew me. I never sent him the request and let's face it, this guy could have been anywhere else in the whole world, but he kept saying that we went to school together. It turns out, that it was the guy I had those feelings for all those years ago. We caught up a little, then that was that and we haven't talked or seen each other since.
Last night, I had one of those dreams that last all night (even after you wake up) and he was in it. Why oh why do I still dream about him!?! Is this someone's idea of a very cruel joke??? I don't have any feelings for him anymore, but it brings back how I felt back then, and it still hurts!!! I even saw him not too long ago, and there's no attraction whatsoever. (Ok, so I keep telling myself that!) It's just not fair. Maybe now that I've written about it, my mind will be a little more at ease and I can finally forget him!!!
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